Paul doesn't have it together

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate I do" - Romans 7:15.

and...

"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law" - Romans 5:16-18.

Reading Paul's letters is a breath of fresh air sometimes (now) for me. "I do not understand what I do" and "they are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want."

I feel like Paul gets it.

There's this tension. These constant forces that directly oppose each other, and sometimes you end up not understanding what you're doing. I read that as, Paul doesn't have his stuff together and he's honest about it. I'm glad he's honest about it.

So, what then? What if we don't have our stuff together, and we're left with our hands out, palms facing upwards, saying, "I don't freaking get this." What then?

I guess we remember the truths about God. The promises.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

There is now, no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). Am I "in" Christ Jesus? He is my redeemer, he is my Wonderful Counselor, my Prince of Peace, my Almighty God, my Everlasting Father, and I can call him Abba.

So I guess it's about perspective, right? When you do stuff you don't want to do, or not do stuff that you want to do, then at least there's an unstoppable Mighty Love that doesn't shift. And when we F up, to some degree it doesn't even phase God, because he doesn't love us based on how well we have our stuff together.

ect ect.

Or maybe I'm trying to find external stuff to explain things, when it's more a matter of self-control and self-discipline. That wears me out, because I begin to forget God's love and get upset about not having enough self-discipline and brute force strength to get my stuff together. And. it's. exhausting.