"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." - Romans 7:15.
This verse has been coming to mind a lot over the past several weeks, and I'm not sure why. Sometimes God can bring stuff to mind w/out saying why and we just need to be OK with that, I suppose.
I wonder tho if this verse applies only to the sinful nature we have, or if it can apply to simply us humans behaving in a way that's contrary to what we want. Fear can be a part of that; it can be this driving force in our lives, compelling us to do things that we don't want to do, or NOT do things that we want to do. There's the fear of the unknown, the fear of failure, the fear of rejection.
I suppose when we let fear drive us, then that is sin, so maybe it circles back around to the sinful nature I was talking about.
I say all of this because I am afraid to sit down one day and make a chart of "What I'm currently doing" and "What I want to do." I'm afraid that they will be vastly different, and I'll wonder what I'm doing with my life.
So what, then? Do I go after the things in the right-hand column, the things I want to do, and deal with consequences if it gets ugly? I should at least do a self-eval to see if any fears or anxieties are keeping me from moving in any given direction that God is calling me too, a direction on a path that I am currently not on.
Not sure what to make of all of that, and there's still more "abrewin'" in my heart and mind about this. But it's hard to explain, hard to put in words.
Final thought - I love how Paul's real honest in how he's living this contradictory life, because my life too often feels like a giant contradiction between the things that I believe in, the things I want to do, and the things I'm actually doing.
Thankful tho for God's grace, a grace that I should receive like a child, a child who can do nothing of merit to deserve that grace.
2 comments:
This is really great. I like the part about how God puts stuff in our hearts and minds and we don't know at the time why.
And I get where you are coming from re: fear, especially of the unknown. I constantly have to remind myself that the God who created the universe also cares deeply for the big and small details of my life. I suppose that doesn't remove the responsibility to keep moving forward and walk in obedience, but thank. goodness. for. grace.
Carpe diem. Yes, "the heart is treacherous", but you have to listen to it sometimes.
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